a place where I share my thoughts, my life, and my pictures

Monday, September 26, 2011

the truth

I haven't been happy for a while.  It isn't the cause of anyone's harm except of my own.  I take full responsibility, however I didn't know what I was doing was harmful until recently.

I've been a "stay at home mom" for almost five years.  I've taken on one part time job working from home and one full time job when my son started PK 3.  I worked for 7 months before quitting.  Management and I did not see eye to eye.  I was more at her toe nail level in comparison to her elevated eye.  

In late April, when I quit, I thought life would be so much better!!!! Hooray!!! I'll stay at home!  I'll have so much time to: clean, cook, take on house hold projects, make jewelry, work out!!!  I had superb intentions.  Within four days, I noticed I was ...off.  Something.  I wasn't happy.  But I couldn't pin point the why.  I felt somewhat disconnected from life.  Almost as though I had nothing for myself.  Essentially that is the case.  I've been doing what I'm supposed to do for so long now that I know no other way of life. 

My son stayed with me quite a bit during the summer, eventually got mono (so sad) thus I kept him at home with me withdrawing him from the summer program he was attending.  He got better two weeks before school started up again and he was restless.  It comes to a mother's realization every now and again that "I'm not enough for my child."  I think this is natural.  After being around mommy 90% of his lifetime, he preferred and craved a different environment, preferred school.  Excellent!  School is just around the corner!

School began Sept. 6th.  Grady was (is still) gone from 8:30 a.m.  - 5:15 p.m. .  I really went downhill from there.  Practically spiraling.  I've been scared of my future, scared of my thoughts, lonely.  I've been pushing myself to get house work done having no inclination to do it at all.  I sit in silence thinking about how can I possibly fix this?  It's taking over my mind... this sincere loneliness.  I practically feel like I cannot do anything until this problem is fixed.  

Here's what I've come up with so far: 
-  I've never lived alone.  Ever.  If I found myself alone it wasn't long before I'd find someone to be with, even if that person wasn't someone I'd care to be with...I'd choose poor company over myself alone. 
-  I try to live up to some standard that I despise.  I've never been much on conformity, yet I abide by it's rules, more than likely out of fear.
- I have no confidence in my personal pursuits.  Most of the time what I truly wanted to pursue was completely off topic and less likely to prevail in the "real world".  Thus I hushed my desires, having no one to discuss my "crazy" goals with.  
-  I am disgusted by mooching off my husband.  I feel like a parasite.  I do NOT like living based solely off an others pay check.  Even if he IS my husband.  I do not like it.   I am not a mooch, parasite, or "lucky".
-  I've had so many work experiences where my mentality did not fit with the company's overall goals that I couldn't find it in myself to stay.  Like I am compelled to listen to my inner voice saying "This is wrong!  What they're doing is wrong to people!  I cannot live my life knowing that I am a contributing factor to this organization.  I must leave!"  And I do. 
-  I'm compelled to tell the truth.  Uncontrollably.  In fact.  
-  I get vibes off people and feel uncomfortable in some people's presence so violently that I cannot be around it.  I'm downplaying this sensation. Therapy in the past has suggested I should learn to channel and control it.  However I think going to therapy is pathetic.  I don't last long, knowing I'm paying someone to listen to me. It's become overwhelming.  I've been trying to control it.  More like trying to control a lion loose in my home.  It's not happening.  Tried telling myself... you're just judging that person, it's not real.  I (not surprisingly) cannot lie to myself either. 
-  I'm extremely sensitive to noise.  Particularly loud sharp unexpected noises.  I've (embarrassingly) been brought to tears at one point when accompanying my husband to the gun range.  Even with ear plugs and ear muffs, I couldn't taken it.  

The last three are attached to my core, my soul.  I must acknowledge this part of myself and either accept who I am or try to control it.  I think I've tried to control myself for far too long.  Suppressed any and all truth of myself for fear of ostracizing myself from others I so desperately clung to.  

Fear has been my unknown/unwanted company.  My true self has had it's moments though.  She has climbed up and out from the death grip of fear and has embarrassed me.  I've been arrested, splashed wine in someone's face when surrounding a campfire with my family (he said something inappropriate about my family in front of my family), been fired for telling the truth, yelled at for trying to help or fix that which I had no association to...   Either the truth is so evident that I am literally (out of my control) been compelled to say the truth or I must point out the inconsideration of an others convictions.

Most recently though, this awareness has come to light.  Big, bright, and blinding.  Being alone for 2/3rd's of the day has forced me to recognize this part of me.  I have no distractions.  And I suppose that's what the past 29 years have been... immersing myself in distraction.  Avoiding the supposed part of myself which I find to be both enlightening and humiliating.  Keeping myself on a leash by these means of distraction, falsehood, attempts at conformity... all have contributed to where I am now.  Alone.  With myself.  My true self.  Since Grady began school I unconsciously began a new coping mechanism; not leaving the house.  I only noticed it when it occurred to me that I haven't any groceries.   I have always kept the fridge stocked with certain essentials I would never go without, for five years.  I've never had a problem leaving the house.  Apparently if it goes unchecked for long enough it can become debilitating and indefinitely will worsen with time.  

It has almost been a month.  I've left the house only twice when the boys were at school/work.  Otherwise I stay where I am.  

I need to get these thoughts out. 
No more rehashing the same thoughts again and again in my mind.
I want to accept myself.  I suppose that's my goal, self acceptance. 
For me.
For him.
Breakfast before the first day of school

1 comment:

Joasia said...

You're a brave, brave woman, and I can't stress how much I admire you. Keep being honest -- with the world and yourself -- and keep discovering and evolving. You're getting somewhere good, I can feel it :]