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Monday, July 9, 2012

Anxiety - A Nasty Beast

So I have anxiety.  Have had it for years.  I used to have full blown panic attacks but luckily my husband has learned the nature of the beast and knows how to calm me down before I get that bad.  

Thus it just remains at an anxiety standpoint, but even then, this is harmful/painful.  

My stomach feels like I'm holding in 10,000 butterflies.
My veins feel like I'm chewing on foil.
My throat closes tighter and tighter, making it hard to breathe, exacerbating the problem.
My body forgets to breathe.  FORGETS.  What is that?? 

There's exercise, biking and yoga that I do.  There's a massive pillow on my belly that I lay on in bed trying to compress the "butterflies".  And there's the medicine.  Preventative and abortive.  

I've been on both in past years.  

I've learned that the preventative actually makes any anxiety that pushes through worse and longer lasting.  Any abortives I've been on have been cut down from the extreme (bowling ball limbs and put me to sleep) to the lightest of them, just a slight comfort in my belly and throat, slowly easing the attack.

But when you're pregnant, there's not much you can do.  No more medicine to help.  And today, the anxiety lasted, all day.  About an hour after I woke up, it started to take hold.  I become so desperate for it not to be what I know it is that I'm pretty sure I speed up the process.  

I snap easily like this, so I just try to stay away from Grady.  I got in my room, laid on my pillow.  Listened to music from Grady's Lorax game.  It's like a lullaby.  No joke.  But no relief today.  Not until 7:00 p.m.  

Anxiety from 9:00a.m. - 7:00p.m.  No one should go through this.  Especially a fetus.  I truly wish I had more control over it because I fear what harm I might be doing to him/her.  And now I'm going to the OB/GYN to talk about it because it can cause more harm in the long run.

How can a mother do this to her own body while pregnant? :-(

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